A big-shot business man had to spend a couple of
 days in the hospital.
         He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed
 them around just like he did his employees. None of the
 hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
         The head nurse was the only one who could stand up
 to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to
 take your temperature."
         After complaining for several minutes, he finally
 settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
         "No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this
 reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
         This started another round of complaining, but
 eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
         After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he
 heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay
 JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
         She leaves the door to his room open on her way out.
 He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past
 his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor
 comes into the room.
         "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
         Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc?
 Haven't you ever seen someone having his temperature taken
 before?"
         After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes. But never
 with a daffodil!"
 
 
         Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit
 the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years,
 they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank
 from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so
 that they can breed their own stock.
         The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes
 their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a
 man has a prize bull for sale.
         Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get
 there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to
 drive out after me and haul it home."
         The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects
 the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells
 her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him,
 she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram
 to tell her the news.
         She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I
 want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've
 bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer
 to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it
 home."
         The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad
 to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
         Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only
 has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send
 her sister one word.
         After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and
 says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'."
         The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she
 ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to
 your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back
 to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"
         The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll
 read it very slowly."
 
 
                 Correctly Spelling "Potato"
 
 If GH can stand for P as in Hiccough
 
 If OUGH can stand for O as in Dough
 
 If PHTH can stand for T as in Phthisis
 
 If EIGH can stand for A as in Neighbor
 
 If TTE can stand for T as in Gazette
 
 If EAU can stand for O as in Plateau
 
 Then the right way to spell POTATO should be:
 
 "GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU"
 
 
         There where once two brothers called William and
 Wayne. Will was 12 years old and his little brother was 3.
 The neighbours noticed they always went around together, if
 William went down to the ballpark, his little brother would
 toddle along behind him, even if the game was a bit rough;
 and when Wayne went to playgroup, his elder brother would
 come too, and sit there with all the toddlers. One neighbour
 thought this was really strange, so one day he leaned over
 the fence and asked the kid's mother why they were so
 inseparable even though they had nothing in common.
         Well, the mother replied, didn't you know: where
 there's a Will there's a Wayne.
 
 
         An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting
 into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get
 into Heaven?"
         The boy thought it over and said,"Well, I'll just
 run in and out, and in and out, and keep slamming the door
 until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or
 stay out!'"
 
 
         Officers were being lectured about a new computer.
         The instructor said the computer was able to
 withstand nuclear and chemical attacks. Then he hollered,
 "There will be no eating or drinking in my class, You'll
 have to get rid of that coffee".
         I inquired meekly "Sure, but why?"
         "Because a coffee spill could ruin the Keyboard".
 
 
         A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for
 coronary surgery. The operation went well, and, as the
 groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a
 Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
         "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the
 nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however,
 how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by
 insurance?"
         "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
         "Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
         "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
         "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun
 asked.
         "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But
 she's a humble spinster nun."
         "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not
 'spinsters'. They are married to God."
         "Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send
 the bill to my brother-in-law."
 
 
         My first job was working in an orange juice factory,
 but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.
         Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I
 just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
         After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't
 suited for it.
         Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that
 was exhausting.
         Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just
 didn't fit in.
         I became a professional fisherman, but discovered
 that I couldn't live on my net income.
         I managed to get a good job working for a pool
 maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
         So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-
 center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
         I finally got a job as a historian until I realized
 there was no future in it.
         So I retired and I found I am a PERFECT fit for the
 job!

 * RM 1.31 3223 * Home of Jeff's Funnies     at    http://3510591381/~bg809

--- Maximus/2 3.01
 * Origin: Top Hat 2 BBS (1:343/41)