My husband and I took our two-year-old daughter,
 Madison, to the home-improvement store.
         Madison got tired of walking, so my husband let her
 ride on his shoulders.
         As he walked, Madison began pulling his hair.
         Although he asked her to stop several times, she
 kept on yanking away at his mane.
         Getting annoyed, he scolded, "Madison! Stop that!"
         "But, Daddy," she replied, "I'm just trying to get
 my gum back."
 
 
         The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his
 numbers.
         "Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
         "Good. What comes after three."
         "Four," answers little Johnny.
         "What comes after six?"
         "Seven."
         "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good
 job. What comes after ten?"
         Little Johnny smiles and says, "A jack."
 
 
         The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious
 problems of infidelity, shouted out, "I want everyone who
 has been he-ing and she-ing to stand up!"
         Half of his congregation stood up.
         He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been
 he-ing and he-ing to stand up!"
         A couple of men stood up.
         He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been
 she-ing and she-ing to stand up!"
         Several women stood up.
         The minister looked over his congregation and
 noticed that everyone was standing except Little Johnnie.
 The minister shouted out, "Brothers and Sisters, look at
 Little Johnny, can he be the only one without sin?
         "Little Johnny, stand up.  I guess you are the only
 one here who isn't preoccupied with sex and committing sins.
 What do you have to say!"
         Little Johnny replied, "Reverend, you ain't said
 nothing about me-ing and me-ing!"
 
 
         A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a
 remote log cabin in the mountains. They had registered on
 Saturday and hadn't been seen for five days.
         The elderly woman who ran the resort got concerned
 about the welfare of the newlyweds, and sent her husband to
 check on them.
         The husband knocks on the door of the cabin, and a
 weak voice from inside answers.
         The old man asks, "Are you young folks all right?"
         "Yes, we're fine," the man answered. "We're living
 on the fruits of love."
         The old man replied, "I kinda figured that. Say...
 would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window?
 They're choking my ducks!"
 
 
         An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a
 very lavish New York City Office Building.
         A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator
 and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian
 woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an
 ounce!"
         The next young and beautiful woman gets on the
 elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian
 woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
         About three floors later, the old Italian woman has
 reached her destination and is about to get off the
 elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women
 in the eye, she bends over, and farts....... "Broccoli - 49
 cents a pound!!!"
 
 
         As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in
 several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a
 Lieutenant fresh from Jump School.
         He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a
 conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.
         He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."
         I asked, "What's the difference?"
         He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university
 education."
 
 
         The crumbling old church building needed remodeling,
 so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly
 at the richest man in town.
         At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and
 announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."
         Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck
 the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and
 shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."
         Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him
 again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will
 double my last pledge."
         He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell
 hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered,
 "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"
         This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again,
 Lord! Hit him again!"
 
 
         An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new
 blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-
 over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain
 showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel
 to eat, shop and stay overnight.
         The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew
 for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was
 missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and
 called her up wondering what happened to her.
         She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she
 couldn't get out of her room.
         "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked,
 "Why not?"
         The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors
 in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the
 closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not
 Disturb!'"
 
 
         An elderly man in Florida calls his son in New York.
 The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've
 got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can't
 stand each other anymore, and we're getting a divorce. I've
 had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace.
 I'm telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn't go
 into shock later when I move out."
         He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his
 sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news. The sister
 says, "I'll handle this!"
         She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do
 ANYTHING until we get there! We'll be there Wednesday
 night."
         The father agrees. He hangs up the phone and hollers
 to his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now,
 what are we going to tell them for Christmas?"
 
 
                 "Ode to the Spell Checker!"
 
         Eye halve a spelling chequer
         It came with my pea sea
         It plainly marques four my revue
         Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
 
         Eye strike a key and type a word
         And weight four it two say
         Weather eye am wrong oar write
         It shows me strait a weigh.
 
         As soon as a mist ache is maid
         It nose bee fore two long
         And eye can put the error rite
         Its rare lea ever wrong.
 
         Eye have run this poem threw it
         I am shore your pleased two no
         Its letter perfect awl the weigh
         My chequer tolled me sew.
 

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