A young couple decided to wed. As the big day
 approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they
 had never before shared with anyone -- not even each other.
         The groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear,
 decided to ask his father for advice. "Father, I am deeply
 concerned about the success of my marriage."
         His father replied, "Do you love this girl?"
         "Oh yes, very much," he said, "but, you see, I have
 very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put
 off by them."
         "No problem," said his father, "All you have to do
 is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear
 socks, even to bed."
         Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
         The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to
 discuss her problem with her mom. "Mom," she said, "when I
 wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."
         "Honey," her mother consoled, "Everyone has bad
 breath in the morning."
         "No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so
 bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the
 same room with me."
         Her mother said simply, "In the morning, get
 straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make
 breakfast. While the family is busy eating, go to the
 bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is not to say a word
 until you've brushed your teeth."
         "I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the
 daughter asked.
         "Not a word," her mother affirmed.
         "Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.
         The loving couple finally married. Not forgetting
 the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks
 and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well.
 That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn
 one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one
 of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he
 frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his
 bride. Without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you
 doing?"
         After catching one whiff of his wife's breath, he
 exclaimed, "Oh no! You've swallowed my sock!"
 
 
         An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face
 was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the
 zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their
 cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them
 with tiger paws.
         "You've got so many freckles, there's no place to
 paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella.
         Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His
 grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles.
 When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles," she
 said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek.
 "Freckles are beautiful." The boy looked up,
         "Really?"
         "Of course," said the grandmother. "Why just name me
 one thing that's prettier than freckles."
         The little boy thought for a moment, peered
 intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered,
 "Wrinkles."
 
 
         A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport
 and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the
 corner of the waiting room and saw  a weighing machine that
 also tells your fortune. So, she  thought to herself,  "I'll
 give it a try just to see what it tells me.".
         She went over to the machine, put a quarter in, and
 out came a fortune card that read, "You're a nun who weighs
 128 pounds and you're going to Chicago, Illinois."
         She sat down and thought about it. She reasoned that
 it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to
 try it again. She went back to the machine, put her quarter
 in, and out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you weigh
 128 pounds, you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you're
 going to play a fiddle." The nun said to herself, "I know
 that's wrong! I have never played a musical instrument a day
 in my life."
         She sat back down when out of nowhere a cowboy sat
 next to her and set his fiddle case in the seat next to the
 lady. The nun picked up the fiddle and played the most
 beautiful music, as if she had been playing for years.
 Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is
 incredible! I've got to try it again!"
         Back to the machine she went. She put her quarter in
 and another card came out that read, "You're a nun, you
 weigh 128 pounds, you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and
 you're going to break wind." Now the nun knew the machine
 was wrong. "I've never broken wind in public  in my life!"
 She turned around and tripped, falling off the scale,
 breaking wind.
         Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the
 machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable!
 I've got to try it again!"
         She went back to the machine, put in a quarter, and
 collected the card.  It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128
 pounds, you have fiddled and farted around........and now
 you missed your plane to Chicago!!!"
 
 
         An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were in
 Sydney. They wanted to go and see the summer Olympics but
 could not get tickets, so they thought they'd sneak in.
         The Englishman saw a couple of kids playing with a
 Frisbee, so he took the Frisbee and went to the players'
 entrance.
         When the guard stopped him, he said, "England,
 discus."
         The guard let him in.
         The Scotsman saw what the Englishman did and thought
 he could do something like that, so he took a large stick of
 wood he found by the side of the wall.
         When the guard stopped him, he said, "Scotland,
 javelin."
         The guard let him in.
         The Irishman thought, "Hey, this is easy! No
 problem."
         So he looked around and found some barbed-wire. He
 took it to the entrance and said, "Ireland, fencing."
 
 
 Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
 I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
 
 This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red.
 My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.
 
 This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life.
 My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife.
 
 To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy.
 I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.
 
 My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad.
 And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.
 
 For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother
 To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my
 step-mother.
 
 Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run.
 And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son.
 
 My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue.
 Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandma too.
 
 If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild.
 And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.
 
 For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw.
 As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!!
 
 
         A wife went to the police station with her next-door
 neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The
 policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years
 old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic
 build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the
 children."
         The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5
 foot 8 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to
 your children."
         The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
 
 
         A little girl was in church with her mother when she
 started feeling ill.
         "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
         "No," her mother replied.
         "Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Momma!"
         "Then go out the front door and around to the back
 of the church and then behind a bush."
         After about 60 seconds the little girl returned
 to her seat.
         "Were you sick?" her mom asked.
         "Yes."
         "How could you have gone all the way to the back of
 the church and returned so quickly?"
         "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They
 have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the
 Sick.'"

 * RM 1.31 3223 * Home of Jeff's Funnies     at    http://3510591381/~bg809

--- Maximus/2 3.01
 * Origin: Top Hat 2 BBS (1:343/41)