[This is a real news story...]

From: https://tinyurl.com/2rb2eatb (dailycaller.com)

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 Man Gets Indecent Exposure Charge For Taking Gas Station's Name Too Literally

   Alexander Pease Contributor
   November 17, 2023 5:37 PM ET

   An Iowa man was arrested Thursday for masturbating at an Iowa City Kum &
   Go gas station.

   The incident occurred a little after midnight in mid-March, though the
   suspect, 54-year-old Kenneth Kelly, was only recently arrested, according
   to 1630 KCJJ. At the time of the incident, Kelly made sexual comments to
   multiple customers at the Kum & Go convenience store in addition to
   pleasuring himself in front of them, the outlet reported.

   Video surveillance footage from the store reportedly captured Kelly
   engaging in onanism.

   A local police officer then "canvassed the area" with images of Kelly,
   prompting multiple people at nearby businesses and residences to identify
   the masturbator, KCJJ reported. Witnesses from the March incident also
   picked Kelly out of a photo lineup, the outlet noted, enabling police to
   obtain a search warrant.

   As soon as the officer approached and accosted Kelly at his apartment, the
   man confirmed that he owned clothes resembling those seen in the
   surveillance video but did not admit to pleasuring himself in the Kum &
   Go, per KCJJ.

   Officers then placed Kelly under arrest, at which point he claimed that he
   had been itching his genitals, not spanking the proverbial monkey,
   according to the outlet.

   Kelly has been charged with indecent exposure and could serve up to a year
   in jail if convicted, the outlet reported.

   Kum & Go was founded in 1959 and operates over 390 locations across 13
   states, according to the company website.
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... This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.
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